A bit of an unusual post for the end of 2023 - The words below aren’t what I set out to write. In fact I don’t really know where they came from. But the fact that they came from somewhere within my brain must mean that they’ve been playing on my mind, so they’re probably worth sharing. Another year done, another year older, although I’m not sure if I’m another year wiser, but I’ve definitely learned a lot this year, both in general and more importantly about myself. 2023 has been a funny year for me. Not in a side splitting, hilarious way (although there have been a few moments) but in a “that was a strange year” kind of way. 2023 seems to have been the year when my age finally caught up with me. I’m not old by any stretch of the imagination, but I’m not that young either, and the years of being injury and aches and pains free, seem to be slowly catching up with me. Apart from the first few months of the year I seem to have gone from one injury to another this year, and if I’m honest it’s knocked me a bit. The year started off well, with plenty of running and some really good cycling miles. I averaged almost 600 miles a month through Jan - March, which would normally be the worst months weather wise, and at the same time managed to get in 5 Marathons. But then at the end of March it all came crashing down when I hurt my Left Knee. The physio diagnosed it as overuse, (when I finally decided to go) and gave me a stretching and muscle building regime, with a slow build back up, which I followed. Just as that was on the mend though, I went off to ride Brevet Cymru, a 400KM Audax and I don’t know what I did, but 200 Km in my Right knee started hurting. Realistically I should probably have stopped and made my way back to the start by other means, but in the spirit of Audax I pushed on. Just as my left Knee was getting better, my right knee was 100 times worse, and then to really hammer home the blows, I somehow managed to hurt my left Achilles tendon! And that was that. From 400 km rides and ultra marathons, to hobbling down the stairs and seriously wondering if I would ever run again, or realistically be able to get back to longer distance cycling. The knee problems continued throughout the summer, and I tried various fixes and different approaches to manage what was happening. Changes of saddle height, shorter cranks, lower gearing. They all made little differences and improvements, but nothing made a major difference. Realistically, the only thing that was likely to really solve the problem was rest. But with no running the only thing keeping me sane was cycling, and to stop that too. Well, I just couldn’t face the idea of that! Slowly as the summer progressed things did start to improve, and gradually my knees have started to feel better. A few longer rides gave me hope that things were on the mend, and after many hours of stretching and strengthening exercises the aches and pains slowly started to recede. Untill, finally, in the middle of October I felt strong enough to resume some gentle running. Slowly at first, ever fearful of doing further damage, but at long last I’ve started to build the miles back up and I’m hopeful that eventually I might get back to somewhere close to where I was at the start of 2023. I should be grateful that I can do any of the things that I do. But when you go from the prime of fitness, to nothing, it’s a massive blow, and If I’m honest, my injury plagued year really knocked me mentally, even more so than physically. I found other things to do to amuse myself. I spent a lot of time tinkering with cars, and there was The Carpet Caper, The Garage Project and obviously the allotment was always in the background. In fact the allotment did really well this year, so maybe spending a bit more time up there isn’t a bad thing! But it wasn’t running, and every morning when I woke up, I lay in bed and gingerly moved, hoping that today was going to be the day when it stopped hurting and I’d be able to run down the stairs instead of wincing with every step. 2022 seemed to be a year of great achievement. Longer runs, longer rides, big cycling and running milestones ticked off. But 2023 seems like I achieved nothing. Looking back though, that couldn't be further from the truth. In 2022 I was totally focused on running and cycling, and realistically I did few of the other things that I enjoy and that provide reward in other ways. As I mentioned above there are a lot of tangible things to show for my efforts in 2023. I’m sitting in the lounge at home right now, with my feet resting on the new carpet. I’m just about to wander over to the garage and spend a couple of hours in the dry tinkering with my latest project, and later I’ll have to nip down to the shops in the little Peugeot (that’s the Peugeot that would have gone for scrap back in June when it failed it’s MOT if I hadn’t spent the time and efforts fixing it). I’ll be going to the shops to get something for tea, I won’t need to get much though, because there’s a bucket sat outside the back door that I bought back from the allotment yesterday, which has got a cabbage, some leeks, sprouts and parsnips in it, all of which I planted, nurtured and grew from seed. Seeds that I planted way back in the spring. All of which will taste far better than the soft, wilted, tasteless varieties which you buy in the supermarket. Every time I walk (or hobble) up the stairs and catch a glimpse of the carpet, I think of the work that went into fitting it, and it makes me smile with pride. Every time I get into the little Peugeot, I think of the skinned knuckles, the rust flakes falling in my eyes, and the thinking and learning that went into bringing it back from the dead, and it brings a smile to my face to know that I did that. Likewise, the allotment remains a constant throughout. A place where I can feel happy and content no matter what life (or the weather) is throwing at me. So why can’t I just be happy with my place in life? Why isn’t contentment just enough? Why must I be constantly pushing and challenging myself for greater achievements? And why have I found this injury plagued year so demoralizing? Is it that running and cycling provides something that the other achievements can’t, and thus without them I’m unfulfilled? Or is it simply that long distance running and cycling takes you to some pretty dark places mentally when you're tired and on the brink of exhaustion, and if you come out successfully the other side you learn more about yourself and what you can achieve than you ever thought possible? Is that what it’s all about? The rhythmic fall of your feet on the ground, the steady rhythm of your breathing, the repetitive beating of your heart. The knowledge that you have nothing else to do, or worry about, apart from putting one foot in front of the other, or endlessly turning the pedals? Is this all just a search for inner peace, and a yearning to know more about myself? Every time you push into that deep dark place, where your mind and body is screaming at you to stop, but you overcome that desire and push on to finish, you learn something about yourself. And you can’t get that from fitting carpets, or fixing cars. You need to push yourself beyond your comfort boundaries to find out what you are capable of and to come out the other side stronger. Maybe, indirectly, I’ve answered my own questions there. Maybe, without being able to push myself beyond the limit of what I should be able to do, I wouldn’t be able to find out who I am? Maybe the path to true contentment lies with knowing exactly who you are. With being happy in your own body and with yourself. And maybe, just maybe, I’m still searching for that answer, which is why the thought of not being able to run or cycle, knocked me so hard? I don’t know the answer to my own questions, and I’m not really sure why this blog post has gone down the route it has. The words above aren’t what I set out to write, but the fact that I’m still sitting here writing and that the words continue to flow tells me that it’s clearly something that I’ve been thinking about for some time, and writing it down is normally a cathartic experience. What I do know is that being alone with your thoughts provides your brain with the opportunity to sort those thoughts out. An opportunity which running and cycling provides. Back in 2016, when I left the RAF, I set off on an epic cycling adventure to travel from home, to Lands End, then to John-O-Groats and back again. 2000+ miles, in around a month. For the first week or so, the time went incredibly slowly. My mind was constantly thinking, replaying past conversations, past occurrences, previous experiences, always thinking, always busy. But after a couple of weeks I suddenly realised that the time was no longer going slowly. I wasn’t thinking about those past experiences any more, I was just at peace with myself, enjoying the journey for what it was, and enjoying the new experiences I was encountering. For the first time in my life up until that point, my mind had had the time and space to make sense of all those past encounters and experiences and file them into the correct spaces. Peace had descended in my previously chaotic brain and an inner calm had replaced the chaos. Continuing to dedicate time to similar pursuits, continues to allow my brain the time to clear the fog and provide that same inner calm. It may only be 45 minutes cycling home from work, but that's long enough (provided no one tries to kill me on the way home) for my brain to park the day's events, to think about whatever project I’ve got ongoing at the time, and arrive home calm and collected. If I extend that time to the 1:30 it takes to run home, or 10 hours cycling for a 200Km Audax, or whatever, it’s just more time for my brain to sort out the humdrum of life and find its peace. And as above, if once the humdrum is sorted, you’ve got the opportunity to push into the darker recesses of your brain, then that's when you really start to learn about yourself and find out what you're really capable of and who you are. It’s not always about pushing hard into those areas where you're battling against the desire to stop though. Sometimes it’s about the slower pace. The opportunity to just progress peacefully through the countryside. The sun shining, the birds singing, the world around you tranquil and still, as you move slowly through it. We evolved over millennia at this slower pace of life. No phones, no needless, pointless deadlines to meet, no rushing from one place to the other. No spending hours sitting in traffic, no endless background noise, no TV, no crowded shops, no nothing. Maybe that’s what it’s all about, an escape from the daily grind and the harsh, noisy, realities of life? Cycling and running certainly both offer that opportunity, it’s just you, your legs and your breathing, progressing steadily along! On that note, I Think it’s time to leave this one here for the time being, as I don’t really know where I’m going with it and I’m aware that it’s not so much a blog post but more a mind dump of what’s going on in my little brain. Maybe that’s what it’s all about though, maybe 2024 will be the year when I do finally stop running and find whatever it is that I may, or may not, be searching for. Peace? Contentment? A pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? Who knows? I will leave you with a link to a You tube clip that I watched the other day which sums up “Why” far better than I ever could. “Why” is something which I get asked all of the time, and I suppose my answer is above, but skip to 39:50 for Fr Johannes’ closing reflection, where he explains what I was trying to say in my uneducated way above. And on that note I’ll say goodbye for 2023 and wish you all the best for 2024, where hopefully there'll be plenty more to keep me occupied and plenty more memories to be made.
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Paul PerrattOld enough to know better, young enough to still feel invincible, stupid enough to keep on trying the same thing again and again. Cyclist, Gardener, Runner, Hiker, Cook, Woodworker, Engineer, Jack of all trades and master of none, Anti social old git and all round miserable bugger. Archives
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