You might have noticed from the tone of my recent posts that thing’s haven’t really been going to plan recently. My knees are still a long way from being right, and I really seem to have lost my way a little bit recently. I know that I’m incredibly lucky to be as fit and healthy as I am. But, 3 months ago I was running marathons and cycling hundreds of miles without problems. And suddenly finding myself unable to run any further than the back gate without my knees hurting, and then having problems with my other leg during my recent Audax outings has been a bit of a blow! I managed a couple of short runs (2.5 miles) a couple of weeks ago, with no real problems and thought that things were looking up, but then last week I pushed that up to 5 miles and I’m almost back to square one again, although a couple of days rest over the weekend have seen an improvement. Likewise, I tried moving my saddle position on the bike last weekend in the hope that that would help with my cycling issues. And whilst there was an improvement, things still didn’t seem right and I’m not confident that that has solved any of those problems either. The biggest problem is that the only way to really find out if things are any better is by pushing the distance back up again, but I really don’t want to be stuck miles from home, in pain, with no way to get back again. It’s a catch 22 situation! Add into the mix the fact that my real goal for this year was the Paris- Brest - Paris 1200Km Audax which required a 600Km qualifier ride in the next couple of weeks and everything seemed to be stacking up against me. To that end, I’ve had some hard thinking to do over the past couple of weeks and had some difficult decisions to make. As I mentioned above the main target for this year (once the running went South) was Paris- Brest - Paris, which I had been looking forward too. But as the weeks have gone on and my knees have been playing up, the thought of achieving a 600Km qualifying ride within the correct time window, has gone from being an enjoyable one, to a lead weight hanging over my head. The thought of doing 600Km on legs that could barely get round a 200 the other weekend was filling me with fear, and that time window was just pressure that I don’t need. Plus, when I really started to think about it, I’m not even sure if I wanted to go to Paris in the first place. Paris- Brest - Paris is the big Audax ride, it’s the big one that started all the others and if you look at the Audax UK website you’ll see that qualifying for Paris- Brest - Paris was the whole reason Audax UK was set up in the first place, but does that mean that I really wanted to go and do this ride, or was I just being dragged along in the knowledge that it was the “done” thing? Last year there was no way that I was a going to miss out on London Edinburgh London, I’d have sawed my own head off to ensure that I was on the start line. But Paris- Brest - Paris, I’m not so sure! The whole thing was just becoming unnecessary pressure and a bit of a pain in the backside. Even if I did the qualifying rides, there is still the small matter of getting to Paris and back, and all the messing around that entails, and could I really be bothered with that? As I’ve already said, this weekend was supposed to be a 600km qualifying ride, and I’m guessing that the “supposed too” gives that game away. But. Friday morning, I took my Audax bike in to work to see how my legs felt, and despite feeling Ok over the 22-mile commute, things still didn’t seem quite right. Getting home I hit on the idea of taking my work commute bike instead. My legs have always felt Ok on that and although it wasn’t set up for Audaxing, I could probably manage a 600 on it as a one off, which seemed like a reasonable plan. Friday afternoon, I spent a couple of hours messing around swapping wheels, handlebar extensions, lights and a tyre around and doing a bit of general fettling, with the plan being to try and get the 600 in, even if it killed me. By the time “The Emma” got home it was nearly 16:00 and I was still messing around. I wasn’t really achieving much and was really just wasting time. I should have been getting ready to leave, not just filling in time pottering around and finding excuses not to be getting ready, but my heart just wasn’t in it. When “The Emma” came out with a brew and to see what I was doing we had a bit of a chat, and for maybe the first time I voiced my fears and told her that I didn’t actually think I had this weekend’s 600 in me. 600Km’s a massive distance however you look at it. And the fact that half of it was going to be directly into a head wind, my knees hurt before I’d even started, and my heart really wasn’t in any of this, made it seem like an impossible wall to climb, and not something that I was looking forward too. 90% of any long ride is mental resilience and having the will power to keep pushing on when the going gets tough, and if I was thinking about quitting before I’d even started, then what chance did I have? “The Emma” played the voice of reason, but I knew deep down, as I suspect that I have for a while, that this wasn’t going to happen. I sat in the sun for a while trying to make up my mind what to do. I huffed and puffed, I stomped around for a bit, I had another brew, and then I decided to go out for a couple of miles to shake my legs down and see how the changes I’d made to the bike felt, and hopefully decide what I was doing while I was out. I was only going to go round the block. But once I reached the end of the road, I felt like carrying on. The sun was shining, the wind was on my back (for the minute) and I headed out on a little route that I used to ride when I first got back into cycling properly, 10 or so years ago. It had been a long time since I’d last been this way, and my thoughts turned back to those early days. The hills that I now breezed up, had seemed like mountains all those years ago. Legs, strong from thousands of miles, propelled me easily along, and lost in my thoughts, some clarity started to appear. Paris didn’t interest me enough to put myself through a 600 this weekend, that was just unnecessary pressure. But I realised something else too. I remembered what I was missing and what I probably really wanted to be doing instead of pushing endless distances. The thing that drew me back to the bike was getting out there and exploring, it was stopping to have a sandwich in a field gate, whilst admiring the view, it was stopping for a brew mid ride, it was stopping to get my breath back and just stopping to look at something that caught my interest. All things that had been lost in the endless push for longer and longer brevets in faster times. Those few miles from home on Friday afternoon reminded me what I’d been missing and what I really wanted. I didn’t want the pressure of qualifying rides, I wanted to be riding for fun, and that’s what this was. Mind made up then? Well not really, I was still Umming and Arrring when I got home, but I knew deep down that I didn’t really want to go to Paris, I was just doing it because everyone else was, and it was allegedly the done thing. And I’m afraid that isn’t enough of a reason to push myself around a 600! So, I pulled out of the weekends 600 and I’ve abandoned my plans for Paris- Brest - Paris too. And you know what, it feels like a massive weight off my mind. I suspect that in a few weeks I’ll probably regret that decision. But it wasn’t a rash one, and I think I’ve known deep down, that I didn’t really want to go for quite a while, so I don’t think it’s a spur of the moment decision either. And at the end of the day, if I’m not enjoying the process then what’s the point. Cycling is supposed to be fun, not a chore. What now then? Well, for a start I’ve bought myself some thinking time and the chance to try and get back to some solid miles and pain free training (both running and cycling).
Now that there’s no pressure, I actually feel enthused about other things too. I’ve booked onto a couple of shorter rides in the coming weekends that I can get to from home, which I’m actually excited about, and I’ve got lots of other things that I want to do (not cycling or running) that I’m excited about too. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not abandoning my cycling and running plans, and I fully intend to get back to full fitness as soon as possible. There’s still lots of things that I want to do on both fronts, but now there’s no rush, apart from my rapidly diminishing running fitness levels, and I can hopefully take the time to get back to where I want to be without causing longer term damage. To that end, those of you that are just here for the ridiculous running and cycling adventures might have to bear with me for a while. But in the meantime, as I’m allergic to sitting around doing nothing, I’m sure that there will be plenty of other stuff to occupy the odd blog update. A few sneak previews of which are below, just to possibly pique your interest.
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Paul PerrattOld enough to know better, young enough to still feel invincible, stupid enough to keep on trying the same thing again and again. Cyclist, Gardener, Runner, Hiker, Cook, Woodworker, Engineer, Jack of all trades and master of none, Anti social old git and all round miserable bugger. Archives
March 2024
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